i wish my brain would stop thinking. literally think about absolutely nothing. there are a lot of things on my mind lately. i won't disclose all of that information (some of it is top secret). i'm so thankful that my God is constant. i'm blessed to have a husband that is constant. my family is constant, as well as my closest friends.
it's just all of the un-constant stuff that takes up thinking space and time. like...
i'm starting to feel a mixture of excited, eager, anxious, nervous, overwhelmed, behind, ahead, motivated, tired, and ready-to-go about this new school year/new job.
i'm ready for derek to get some answers...very important answers that i know he's ready for too. answers that will determine our "next steps" in various ways.
i'm tired of being wishy-washy in my diet and exercise. i want to eat food to sustain my life, like not die. not spend my life eating so much food. i can visualize my body...how it looks, but mostly how it feels. now to get there...that's the hard part!
how much time i don't spend with my family (parents mostly). i'm constantly torn between the guilt of not feeling guilty and the desire to try harder. it's weird to feel this way. i've been struggling with this for a few years now. i don't know if it's wrong...or right...or if it just "is".
why do i struggle to just take one day at a time? acknowledge the blessings. take advantage of opportunities to serve and bless others. give thanks. savor it in the depths of my soul.
and then there's the house. i love having a clean house. i'm a fan of de-clutter, organize and tidy. BUT i also like to look around and see that our house is being lived in...that there's evidence of imperfection, fun and life taking place. when the house is "perfect" some of those things i like to look around and see become invisible and the focus is on keeping it "perfect", when in reality i'm a mess and my house should reflect that rather than create disillusion.
life itself is too much to wrap my head around. although i spend so much time imagining that i'm intelligent enough or have enough common sense to do just that.
i need to focus. i need more time with Jesus. i need more time in prayer and praising God. i must find a way to filter my brain of unnecessary thoughts and fictional "what ifs". i'm not promised another day.
sometimes i forget how small and insignificant i am. i let myself think that i'm big and important. there are so many people in this world. i am of value, but i'm of no more value than any other.
i'm reminded of the question i asked my mom 11 years ago as we were driving to searcy. "mom, how do you know when you know?" i'm not 100% sure of her exact response, but i remember finding great comfort and understanding in her words of wisdom.
there are so many things in my life that this question is relevant to at the moment. "how do you know when you know ___?" (fill in the blank.)
