freedom

do you ever feel conflicted? where your mind and heart are discussing a decision and you're waiting for that moment of harmony between the two? i know i do. i am currently in that place. it's an okay thing to experience though because weighing the options allows time for prayer and reflection before hastily making a decision.

what about when that conflict or conversation between your mind and heart needs to be made known to another party? possibly someone of authority or significant importance like a boss or family member? that's when it takes on a new meaning. sometimes fear sets in. there's an elevated level of anxiety. you try to play it out in your mind, but you can only hope it will go that smoothly...there's no way to know until you plunge forward and execute your plan.

but wow! the freedom that is a result of making that other party aware is so refreshing. i love it when God just provides the opportunity. you have no intention of "going there" at that moment. the other person gently opens the door for you to say what you need to say. there's no need for scary banging and knocking. there's no power struggle internally or externally. it just simply happens. simply and without planning or anticipation.

today i am thankful for those moments. those gifts from God to help us deal with perhaps not-so-pleasant or easy conversations which are necessary. today i am thankful for the freedom that is a result of such ocurances. today i take a deep breath, a sigh of relief, and smile. i am free.

(at least for today)

excited about what's now. not so easy for me.

do you ever find yourself dreaming, planning, considering, imagining what will be "next" in your life? i definitely do. far too much. far too often. almost daily. why is this? i'd like to believe that the main reason is because i simply cannot wait to see what God has planned for my life. this is a truthful, legitimate reason. one that i do believe makes sense. what tends to happen though, at least in my constantly processing mind, is that i spend so much mental time trying to figure out what's next that i totally waste that energy and fail to enjoy what's NOW.

don't get me wrong. i am absolutely, positively, completely happy. i am insanely in love with my husband. i enjoy our independence. i like only having to drive 5 minutes to the grocery, 7 minutes to target, and 8 minutes to work. i love having our own space. we enjoy life. we don't "make bank" but we live a relatively comfortable lifestyle. we have nice things. we have been able to travel some (although i'm always up for more!).

let's be real, rachel, one reason you're thinking about what's next is because you (think you're) ready to move. however, due to the lovely real estate market (insert sarcasm) this is not an option. you also (think you're) ready to change jobs. then there's the question: what do i want to do now? do i go back to the classroom? do i return to elementary school? am i ready to apply for an assistant principal position? do i change school districts? what the heck do i do!?!?!

my daily goal is to have the faith of Job. i believe. i trust. i pray. i know...how much God loves me; has a plan; always takes care of me; looks out for me; has my best interest in mind. the frustrating part is this "human" side of me. it's a constant struggle. i want to truly be happy today...not tomorrow or next week or next month or year. (although i DO want to be happy then as well.)

i hope you don't struggle with this. i hope you are able to find the "happy" in each moment of today. i want to conquer this. i want to bask in the now and all of its glory. i hope you can do the same.